I feel empty...

It has been three days when it came to me.
I feel empty inside and that every smile and laugh I make is a shell to hide what I truly feel.
Lost.
Confused.
Hollow.
She left a big gap that I feel can never be filled by anyone or anything anymore.
I have to live with that big gap in me.
The worst part is probably that I dug that hole myself and I only discovered it when she left.
She showed it to me.
Hence, I can not blame anyone other than myself.

I am not the dream guy for her that I thought I was.
I am not the perfect person for her.
I am not even decent enough boyfriend to treat her right.
I have to realize that.
I have to know that because I think that was what made me treat her wrongfully.
Because I know in my mind I was the guy for her.
But I was not

I am imperfect.
I am flawed.
I have commitment issues.
I am not the guy she needs me to be.

But I pray I can change. I want to change. They say that recovery starts with admission and I hope this is my first step. I deserve to be left at and feel all the pain I am feeling now. I deserve to suffer the mental anguish I am feeling now. I deserve to be deserted upon because I am not the guy who makes good with his promise of taking care of the only thing real in his life.

How do I start? That is unanswered question that is in my head. The will is there but somehow I lack the faculties to go. I pray I can find one because at the end of the day she is the one I love. She is the one I want to live my whole life with. She is the one whose opinion matter most. She is the only person I truly love in my life and give my life to and every bit of me. She is the ONE.